Care Giver’s Conundrum

2013-09-27 12_31_55

THIS WAS WRITTEN THE DAY I HAD A HEART ATTACK – HMMMM

I feel like I’m a pretty good person, these days anyway, and I like to believe that over the last almost seven decades I’ve learned a lot and given a lot while feeling an increasing sense of balance and desire to be of service to others. Like so many ‘Boomers’, I’ve been blessed to be in a position to be of service by being a helping presence to my parents as they age and move on.

My father has been gone for about 11 years and I was able to support him I as best I could in his last few years, including giving him his last shave in the hospital before his passing.

I’m writing this from my Mom’s hospital room where I’ve been for three days and The prayer is that she’ll get to go home tomorrow. All of here tests are done, a diagnosis had been determined and we move forward from here. Thankfully the emergency that got us here is not what it seemed and she is in very good health considering.

Now I’m doing my best to help my Mother. I cannot be a financial supporter for her, but I do give all that I can to be there in any other way possible. What I know is that I will continue to do what I can for her highest good by being a shining beacon of love, possibility and light heartedness…….but I’ve gotta admit….sometimes I feel like I am spoken to angrily, disrespected deeply and dismissed regularly making me feel unappreciated, unnecessary and unwelcomed – but I know that I am dealing with my own old issues ready to be resolved and it’s all in my own head.

I have no clue what it feels like to be in her position going through what she is going through, and what I feel is my own stuff  that I have to deal with and to not project or reflect anything back upon her other than love and understanding – anything else would be nothing more than disrespectful or unnecessarily hurtful.

Now please understand – I’m posting this because this is what I deal with as a part time care taker – my thoughts – my feelings – my growth – my awareness – my experience  and my process.

I truly honor those who are full time care givers or those of you who deal with even more extreme push back. And for those of you who are having or who have had nothing but pleasurable, loving, appreciated care giver experiences – good for f’n you! I can only share where I am coming from.

Even thought I do absolutely occasionally go through the above – I don’t like the way it makes me feel. Therefore I’m training myself to jump on my own thoughts behind the feelings immediately and begin to do the inner work, make the necessary slight adjustments in my thinking and finally shift my energy – like right away – in a triage kinda way.

Bottom line – I have chosen to learn how to navigate the sometime stormy seas of parental care between the joy of giving forward and the discomfort of feeling  like a burden and it all takes place within each breath and thought – yup it is an inside job & guess what – life is still good and gettin’ gooder!!

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